Beginning of a new 'me'

Life really sucks more than usual this year. Ive learnt many things but the lessons came with a great price. My life seems to be dwindling into an abyss, or close to one. i do wish to see a light at the end of the tunnel, or in this case, a hole.

I have a recollection of that pokemon movie where the pokemons fell into a hole and landed in a pokemon paradise. And, everything just gets better. I do not want a smooth-sailing life, but i do not want to be on a roller coaster which dips constantly. I want corkscrews and stuff like this, if you get what i mean.

Today, ive been officially been labelled as a 'reserve' after a great deal of practising and bonding with the team and all. Yeah, winning > friendship. i agree on that, guess i havent been practising hard enough to deserve that place. Still this bubbling sorrow sucks.

Ive always tried to inculcate the 'nonchalence' in my life, but it always end up with sharp lances of guilt. Through cultivating this characteristic, ive caused myself to be distant from many people, particularly the people from my previous class.

What ended up was me making new friends and preserving superficial friendships with my schoolmates. Guess i finally understand the logic of 'many close friends' OR 'few true friends' kinda crap.

I yearn for instant results. Only 1 week of studying and i feel all high and mighty. This downfall is certain, but uncalled for. I abhor my current disposition, yet i do not have the mood to reverse all these shit.

I need even greater motivation and it seems NTU is my only goal at the moment. I lost my passion for many things, and i hope that god will reignite them. i want to be able to relish in my fine achievements and bask in glory.

I believe that i can get through this period of my life. With god guiding me, and my family and friends(those who care) who are still holding on to me, I will break thru this barrier and overcome whatever obstacles coming my way.

'Hope is a dangerous thing'